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Indulge in vices

I’m a 16 year old boy. High school student. So it was a few months ago, I was sitting by myself in the corner of the classroom in the breaktime and my sadness could be seen from outside. I was sad because I was thinking about how lonely I was. Boys my age weren’t like that. And there’s this girl, P****. She’s the most beautiful girl in our school, it’s an accepted fact like earth is round or there are 7 continents. She saw me and sat near me. We were the only ones in the room. She asked me “ Hey, is everything Ok?” It’s our second year together in the class but we hardly ever talk to each other. We’ve also been selected to compete together as a team in a number of school contests, as she was not only beautiful, but also very smart. Straight A student. Normally, us straight 8’ers don’t get their places reserved in the “popular squad” but somehow, she managed her way in. So I guess you can more or less estimate how strange it was her talking to me. Anyways, I answered her with a quick “No, everything’s fine, thanks. Just sitting here thinking” She asked me what I was thinking about. Thinking about it, I really didn’t want this conversation to end. I was talking to the most beautiful girl in the school and she came to talk to me! So I said “ I’m thinking about loneliness” So she asked me a series of questions and their answers were all “No.” The questions were “ Do you have a girlfriend?” “ Have you ever had one?” “Have you ever kissed a girl?” “Even on the cheek?” After a silent moment I said “ I was acting the grown up student, the one that doesn’t do what people their age do.” “I’ve always said that I was happy alone but I was lying to myself and I can’t support it anymore” She asked me: “ Why do you think you were alone during all this time?” I answered “ Isn’t it obvious” making a gesture showing myself. She smiled and said “ I think you’re cuter than all the boys around me combined”. Did she, did the most beautiful girl in the school, that I admit fulfilled my fantasies for a few times said she thought I was “cute” and not just that, “cuter than all the boys around her COMBINED”, whoa. So I continued, ignoring what she said because I couldn’t exactly be sure if it was a daydream or real:” There are guys that have had more girlfriends than their IQ level. And there are guys like me, the ones that wait for true love to find them. The ones that don’t pretend they love someone just to be with her.

-a brief moment of silence- “ I thought what I was doing was better than the first option by far for a long time. Now, I can’t be sure. All the proofs show that they get the girls, the popularity and that they’re happy. For us, we just live with the fear of dying alone. I don’t, I cannot belive in love anymore, at least after what it had done to me.” P was listening really carefully, nodding her head as a sign of approval. Then she asked me “ What had love done to you?” So I told all my story about love. “ Once there was a time that I thought I had found true love, that the wait was over, that it was finally “show time” for me too. Her name was L*** and we went to the course together during the high school exam year. She wasn’t super beautiful, she was smart but not super smart, there wasn’t really anything that distincted her before I got to know her. The more days we spent seeing each other, the more I was becoming attached to her. She became the girl that I saw everytime I closed my eyes, that I heard everytime it was quiet, that I was thinking about listening to love songs. I could tell that she wasn’t irritated from me being attracted to her at all. She was playing along but without crossing any lines, it was like she was keeping me as a substitute, I guess. In the winter, when the days became shorter, after our afternoon classes ( every Wed-Thu) we used to be the only ones left waiting for our parents to come ( they were always late, thankfully). Us, alone, in a tiny waiting room with outside being pitch black. We gave each other a lot of quick glances, until our eyes connected for a split second and then we looked away. I sware, if one day our parents were 20 mins late instead of 10, I would’ve kissed her, and ran my fingers through her long hair. I was thinking to myself, it just couldn’t get better; us being sweetharts was to good to be true. It turns out I was right, unfortunately. At the end of February, she told me that she had a crush on another boy. Hearing that was, um, painful. The coup to my heart wasn’t over, it was just starting. Later on, her dad commited suicide. I tried to stand near her, I was also really sad about the situation. Few days later, we found out why her dad did such a thing. L had, she had a serious cancer. I couldn’t believe it. The girl I thought I loved had her life turned completely upside down in a week. Was it that easy? “ I started crying little by little but I tried to push it down as good as I could. “And guess what I did. This douchebag right here turned his back to her just because he was *afraid*. I litterally started acting like there had never been anything between us. I buried it deep inside, the feelings I had towards her faded with it.

I’ve never talked to her ever since. It’s been 3 years. I know that she’s alive but a friend of mine told me that she wasn’t “as good” a few months ago. You’re the first one hearing this story, it felt good sharing it. Thank you for listening to me. So I guess that’s why I don’t like love anymore.” P wiped my tears with the back of her hand and told me that she was sorry to hear about the story. She also said that she would always be there for me. And then, believe it or not, she reached out to kiss me. I stopped her. I said “ I’m sorry. I can’t. Thank you.” She looked at me with confused and dissapointed eyes: “ Whenever you’re ready, whenever you’re over it; I will be waiting for you. Because you are the one I see when I close my eyes, I hear when it’s quiet, I listen to every love song thinking about you. You are my true love. So whenever you want to give love one more chance, come find me. “